I buy jeans as often as most people lease cars. So, when the hole in the crotch of my 48-month-old Gap jeans finally gave way at a recent party, I realized that we didn’t have too many days left together. Oh, the memories we’ve shared. (Sigh.) My girlfriend extended the ultimatum “either the jeans or I will be leaving on Sunday. Take your pick.”
I asked the trendy sales assistant/Blink 182 groupie with a hardcore frontal neck tattoo of the Cadillac logo where I could find the 38 Waist, 32 long jeans.
“Ooo… I don’t think we carry sizes that big anymore. Let me ask downstairs.”
He got on his walkie-talkie and announced in full ear shot of all the super-beautiful people around me in the store – “Hey do you know if we have any size 38 waist down there? Yeah huge fat guy – kind of balding – about 31. No – I think he’s confused or lost. Yes we should call the aquarium. I’ll keep him wet so he doesn’t dry out. Bring some herring.”
I felt like I was
Jared from Subway and I just walked in with my huge jeans saying – “I’d like some jeans about thiiiiiisssss big.”
Travis arrived upstairs holding the last remaining pair of size 38 waist jeans. He blew dust off of it like it was hidden in grandma’s attic.
“Last one, sir.”
I squeezed them on. They were the low rider style jeans that make lead singers like
Scott Weiland look really cool but make guys like me look like a half-popped tube of cinnamon biscuits.
Is American getting smaller or are trendsetters in the fashion world trying to make sure that 6’3, 240 pound, 31 year olds know their role in society? “Dude – you’re too old and eat too much Chinese food for Diesel. Love, Everyone at Diesel”
He held them up. I flashed back to
1984 – when as a seven year old my mom took me back-to-school shopping before the first grade. The jeans she chose were almost as wide as they were short. I was Sponge Bob before there was Sponge Bob. My new elastic waist size wasn’t even a number. It was simply –
HUSKY.
First grade was rough.
I know what you’re thinking – this is an article about how American marketers propagate “skinny is beautiful.” It’s not. It’s an article about how I should have noticed another more important warning sign before shopping at Diesel…like the frontal neck tattoo. I’m not in their core target audience. I’m 31. I’m a geek. As a marketer, I should know better than to shop there.
I walked another block and found some great jeans at
Lucky. They had fancy worn spots, swirly things on the back pockets and even fake stains. Dare I say – they were distressed and I saved them from whatever issues they were having.
So maybe I can’t be Diesel-trendy but that is a whole other place on the trend scale where 16 year olds scoff at
Brett Farve’s Wrangler ads. “That old guy is still playing?”
The take-a-way for me was to practice in my own shopping habits what we preach as an agency – stay focused on your core audience and if you try to be everything to everybody you will be nothing. Go Diesel.
Subscribe